As the [Rachel Macy Stafford] quote goes “Even when she wasn’t getting it “right” it didn’t mean her children were going to turn out wrong” – this is what I try to keep telling myself.
We all know the deal – sometimes we’re winning and sometimes we’re not. Life with little people can be tough.
Right here, right now: I’m not getting it “right”. I feel: overwhelmed, anxious, confused… I am not exactly where I want to be. I feel overwhelmed with where to start because I can not see how it will all get done – but in the end it will. I am anxious about how it will all work out – but in the end it will. I am confused about what I want – but in time I will know.
It happens every once in a while; the air is a little thick, my heart is a little heavy, and I cry sometimes – hello hormones! At least right now I can blame the impending baby! The fact that I’m 33 weeks pregnant, and starting to feel it – hot, heavy, aching, tired, and somewhat alone… – surely doesn’t help.
Most of all I feel I am not getting it “right” as a parent. My kids are undoubtedly amazing. They are without question my world: my world revolves around them, arguably too much. I love them and need them more than anything.
But – I am losing my patience; they do not listen, they can be simply defiant. Some behaviour is just unacceptable and unsustainable. “Where have I gone so wrong? What should I have done differently?” – this is what I constantly ask myself. And I have a million answers. And a million more questions. AND I am about to have another one… [I must be crazy] with #babythree not far away I am even more aware that I haven’t got it “right” yet, and am only adding more fuel to the fire (so to speak)
Playing in the back of my mind is all the first five years business – you know – the most important five years of a child’s life… these five years will shape the child’s life… the “first five” – sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty that my daughter is already nearing being past the point of no return; that all the harm has been done – and possibly, mostly, by me. Are all those little issues that I can see damage that can’t be fixed?!
OK, ok – I know I am being dramatic – there is no real damage as such. My daughter – my children – are perfect. But sometimes I can not help overanalysing the flaws or weaknesses and blaming myself. THAT is how I feel. But that is normal, right?! On a good day it’s all normal and “water under the bridge”; on a bad day it’s much harder to stomach.
My little people are completely amazing, and “perfect”. I honestly never go a day without being grateful for who they are and what I have. But all mums know we have good days and bad days. And THEY have good days and bad days. We also have tough phases, which WILL pass. Sometimes, no matter how much we try and how much we give it is not enough; it is not “right”… I guess that is just #mumlife.